10 Minutes in My Brain: Totally Laughing at Myself.

First, please don't over analyze this post. Know that I am simply laughing at myself & sharing this moment with you. Comments/emails/replies/posts are welcome-if they are cheering me on or laughing at me. All others need not apply.

Ryan & I are dismantling our smelly basement corner closet. It's just full of stuff we don't ever move. It doesn't help that it smells like something we probably don't want our basement to smell with. I have a history of deciding to tear things down in a fever. This is one of those times. (Total side tangent: I am planning to do that again this summer & plan to invite the locals to help.) I digress...

Ryan moved most of the jackets and clothes that were hanging in the nasty closet. Today I went in there to see what I could help clean up while Lena was throwing sand out of her closet to pretend like it was snowing inside. All that was left on the rod were my size 6 cute clothes. These are the clothes that I proudly earned my way to in 2008 when I lost 30+ pounds. They are expensive, classy & I love them. I also love to get rid of stuff. In that moment, I surrendered. I offered the little black classic dress to a good friend.

Then I woke up....again. (Ok, I know it happens often if you know me but play along)

Am I going to be a mommy size 10 for the rest of my life? Is it time to admit to myself again that this is how I am made & that it's ok? That's so 2005. No really, it is.

In a quandary of self-loathing & single parent Saturday madness, I told Lena that we each had 25 minutes to play by ourselves. I made a pitcher of lemonade margarita & started cleaning the dishes. Lena started opening the outside doors, coloring on herself with dry erase markers, jumping off the recliner and screaming something unintelligible. This is a good way for me to process.

I don't think I'm going to settle again. Last time I learned that I was capable of more. All of my excuses that I can't do it again-

I don't have time
It's too cold at 04:45 to get out of the bed & run or go to the gym. Plus, it's dark.
I don't have time
Take out food at work is part of socializing. If I say no they will be offended
I'm not going to be able to run as far as my other friends even if I do train
It costs too much money.
It's hard to change my eating back to skinny thinking when I also cook for Ryan & Lena
I'm too tired
I don't have time

Enough. Maybe it's the lemonade talking. I think it's the desperation though. Maybe it's the fact that the sun is out. I don't know. Whatever the reason, maybe it's time for me to take a leap of faith in myself and push myself. I know exactly what my #goal and my fitness goal is. I bet I can do it. I bet it will take more dedication and focus than last time. I bet I can though. That's how this blog started. It better be what gets me back on the writing and healthy horse again.

You know why I can do it again?

WW works when I work it
I wake up around 4 a.m. anyway.
I can reprogram the furnace to warm up the house that early so I don't get goose bumps when I stick my arms out of the covers to turn off the alarm
If I am at the gym at 5 a.m., I am home with plenty of time
There is a personal trainer that will work with me on my day off
I work with a bunch of people that work with addicts. Surely they can understand why the food isn't healthy for me
Who cares if I can run as far or fast as my friends? I don't run with them anyways
It's $10/month for the gym. I already pay for it.
Ryan will play along. He did last time
I won't be as tired if I get moving again

Lena is done coloring on herself and sticking stars on the walls. My drink is getting warm. I'm not proofreading this or it will never get posted.

Push me your words of encouragement-and pressure.

Beach to Beacon?

Trails to Ales?

10K here I come. 9 minute mile I'm sneaking up on you. Size 6, ok, well I dunno. Its good to have an elusive goal right?