Time on my Hands, Thinking Live

The last week has presented me with the opportunity to examine myself, my surroundings and the cogs that keep the wheels turning. I'm talking about more than the size of my spare tire. Much more globally, I'm talking about the financial survival of my soul. 

Yes, my soul does have a price tag to thrive. 

Is it possible to love something passionately and not love it well? 

Is it realistic to survive on less if your heart is able to experience more growth? 

I'm like a poster child for change. 

• Geographical change
• Financial change
• Career change
• Friendship circle change
• Family dynamic change
• Change my mind quicker than I think sometimes

Then why does the potential for change this time feel like the potential for grief? 

Yesterday I listened to someone speak about grief. She had uncanny timing in my life really. As if the spirit life brought her words to me for introspect. So introspect I will take. I was most touched by her perspective that grief only carries weight with us when we value the relationship of the event, thing, person that we grieve. Everyone grieves everything in different ways and the stages of grief don't present themselves like a Powerpoint presentation; more like a goulash in casserole dish left on your doorstep by an unknown neighbor. 

Here I am, experience grief around a change that hasn't even happened. How odd right? Why grieve a living thing? Well in reality, I think it's possible. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to watch people "let go" as they start the "dying process." We begin to grieve, mourn, process with them. Then when they do die, we continue to do so in many different ways. So I am grieving something that hasn't happened...yet, right? 

Early in the grief process I was shocked and caught off guard that such events had taken place and evolved to a possibility of separation and grief. Then I quickly moved into anger, almost vengeful anger, the kind you feel when a boy breaks up with you on the playground. And from there, I started to cut my losses. What am I really worth? What are they really worth? Do we measure worth the same? Shit, do I even care about their worth or what they think of mine? I mean really, is IT worth this much pain? 

And then I stumbled on that woman's speech, "grief is determined by how much you value the relationship you are losing." All things said, I don't think I value this relationship. Maybe I'll stretch it out, milk it for all its worth, take, take, take, almost in vain. Maybe that's an angry way to move from grievance to acceptance. 

I accept our differences. I accept my naiveness. I accept that "you" want to be more "right" than I am. I don't have to like them or value them for their differences. They just are. 

Radically accept that grief.